I am 19 years old as of this last 25th of September.
I can't go into detail but my life hasn't been a bowl of cheerios.
In the shortest way I can explain it... Actual father wasn't a father at all, was crazy, tried to kill me multiple times. Stalked my mom. Me and her moved around a lot. She went crazy on me when I was younger. Has multiple personalities, trashes wherever we are with tons of piles of stuff, doesn't work, uses money from other people who are paying it to her mainly because of me. She doesn't seem to want me to be close to anyone but herself. I never go out by myself without her knowing and this is EXTREMELY RARELY. I haven't been properly homeschooled and I've never been to a normal school except for a little bit in kindergarten and some summer camps. I've been to extra curricular activities and she's shown a lot of love for me and has taken care of me in sickness and made me lots of dinners and been overly sweet.. but she's also been very off the handle, crazy, screaming and blaming everyone around us for stuff like harrassing us with police and everything else she can. I love her BUT I HATE HER. It's unimaginable to understand how I feel or what I've been through. It's always something. All the time. I'm with her 24/7. I need to leave soon but when she's nice I think how could I leave my own mother? when she screams at me for nothing and forbids me from doing normal things, when I cry I 'remember' why i need to leave, to lead a normal life.
But now it'll never be normal. I have worked very hard to get a birth certificate but now I can't get a social security number.. I don't have records of my right name in the us. My mom always changed my name and age, etc. And I am extremely behind in school, how would I ever catch up?
I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE!!!
I'm secluded.. I'm confused.. I don't know what to do and wish I had some kind of direction...
Pluses: I met someone whom I love very much, a boyfriend who is my light. I love being with him, even though times get very hard with her.. always in this. I am working with my step-grandpa on an internet business.. To get money to possibly back me for college (If I ever get into one.. I need a GED first and to get away from you-know-who) But we have so far made NO money and have been working on this forever. When I leave her all holy hell will break loose. She is the only thing she has going. She spies on me 24/7. I don't know what to do.
Please help?
p.s. I may be leaving much more out.. I just can't remember all of it right now.
I feel like a failure... what do I do?
wow that is a lot and i sympathize on what your going through. Now the best way to build your self esteem is doing something interactive together and sit down and talk to her about letting you go out by yourself and simply explain that you are old enough to go out by yourself or with your boyfriend and as far as finding a job thats tough because i am searching for one as well and i am currently trying to get my ged because i hate dressing out for gym simply because i don't like too. But the ged thing is tough i mean its like hard for me and i am an highschool student. Here is another suggestion, for the internet business i would advertise on myspace, facebook,twitter, etc wherever you can get the message across so others will click on it and if they like the site than they should pay. And as far as your mom, i think because she's been stalked alot (including yourself) that she has a severe case of paranoia that needs to get under control. I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist for help. I would also explain to her that your not a kid anymore and that you would like to be treated as an adult and include that you will be safe with your boyfriend, friends etc and if she can't do that then i would suggest finding an friend to stay with so you or your mom will have enough time to calm down and hopefully sort things out between you too.
If you need more help your more than welcome to email me or message me at anytime :) i truly wish you the best of luck.
I feel like a failure... what do I do?
Lady F, I am sorry to read that you are struggling so much, but I don't think you are a failure at all. Just the opposite: The fact that no one has been able to break your spirit, and that you are struggling on, trying to make a life for yourself, is an incredible achievement. Give yourself some serious credit: You must be remarkably strong and tough to be where you and are, and to continue striving for health, wholeness, and happiness. You're your own hero for refusing to give up or give in in the face of enormous hardship.
Go easy on yourself, keep trying, and good luck to you.
